you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
