i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
