it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
