i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
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There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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