Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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