It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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