I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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