my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
