Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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