I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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