So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
