hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
