i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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