I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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