I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
