dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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