if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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