I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
