No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she smelled like a LAN party
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
