Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
