I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
