I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
