You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
