just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
