kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
