We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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