he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
