my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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