i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
