Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize