I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
