True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
