Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
