We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
