The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
