if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
nutella sex= disaster
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
