We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
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Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.