she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay