apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
