I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
