That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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