The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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