did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
