she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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