I hate your face
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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