Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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