I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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