I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
