An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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