you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
