remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
