The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
