There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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