am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
