Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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