where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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