Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
