Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
