just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Quick, to the slutcave!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
